Here I am in a very familiar position. I am on day four of not having a cigarette. Cold turkey, no cheater, no e-cigarette, nothing. No smoke entering my body at any time, intentionally anyways. This time around my body is actually revolting against me smoking. Story goes, Saturday I somehow went through an entire pack of cigarettes in a day and ended up using a hookah as well. Not my greatest day, probably my worst yet. Funny how you can condone anything as long as you are stressed out or worried about something. "Sure, I can smoke three cigarettes on my fifteen minute drive from work to the audition. I'm nervous this will calm me down and everything will go swimmingly." Still didn't get the part, and ended up possibly scorching my throat. To this day, it is still in pain. So while it is easier for me not to light up because my body openly rejects it, it makes me worry what will happen when the pain passes. Worse yet, if I have some how done some permanent damage to my throat already. Highly doubting the second one, but who knows. Till then, gonna wolf down some cough drops and try to go on voice rest, after this weekend of course.
Symptoms I am noticing, everything tastes sweet again. Especially chocolate (sorry ladies). I had a pavlova for my birthday. Chocolate, Bananas, Strawberries with a meringue crust. My goodness it was delicious but it was so freaking rich. In general my sweet tooth is replaced by a need for carbs and cheese, however I sort of realized that thing where I don't want bland things anymore. I am craving flavors. New exciting flavors; spicy things, different kinds of tea, even water tastes better. Oddly enough my craving for soda is passing through in phases. No idea if its related, but hey I said I would write about everything so there ya go.
I can run and swim without having to catch my breath after words. Thats incredibly nice. Not being a wheezing mess after any sort of physical activity. Addiitonally I have been doing a lot more fencing and its easier than I remembered it. Rather the basics of stuck in my head, but the actual physical part of it is not a giant strain on my body anymore.
Let's go back to something that causes us all to fall into our vices. Stress. Six letter word, giant amount of pain. Today was arguably one of the most relaxing but stressful days of the year. The entire day has been an up and down roller coaster of good news, bad news, new aspirations and even more anxiety. At one point my body just gave up entirely and I lost control of my logical side of my brain. I guess you would call it an anxiety attack. You know, the whole breaking down into tears and the panic of not knowing what to do. Then your most basic instincts of fight of flight take over, but it takes a moment to figure out what to do. You freeze. Your brain stops, a feeling wells up inside you and rises up to your head. Hits your face, and thats the first thing to show emotion or try to hide it. Then something pushes you one way or another. For me it was a song, just a simple little tune. My body decided that panic was a good option. Break the statsis, purge yourself of these silly emotions, come back in five minutes when you want to think again. Not when you can think again, but when you want to think. Did my freak out, got my brain working in first gear, talked to myself for a bit. Confessed a few things to a few people, made a plan and proceeded forward. Notice, not once did I want that smoke. Small victory.
I told myself that smoking was going to be fine the second time around because it helped me think. Gave me something to dump my problems into. Completely mental, and a small bit of chemical, needed to start thinking again. The first time I quit, I got the not wanting a cigarette down part pretty good. I never got the "How do I give myself a way to calm down" method though. Nothing to help clarify my thinking that was easy, simple and socially acceptable as smoking. Not every person is going to like it if I take a post it note out of my pocket and make an origami swan when I am stressed. My room would be filled with them and my co-workers would think I am crazier than they already know me to be.
Finally I figured something else out. I don't need a creative outlet, I want it. Having the ability to choose when and how I want to be creative is incredibly liberating. For the longest time I have been striving to find a career in a creative field. Yet, I am so much happier in one where I am not. My job does not require me to tap into the depths of my creative brain and pull something out. That is a huge amount of stress when you need to dependent on it. Now, I want to write something? I just write it. I want to do theater? I seek it out. I want to search for a fun photo oppurtunity? I call Patrick. I have a costume idea? Well, I have far too many of those. New personal goal is to have some sort of personal project going on at all times. Currently, I admit, I have way too many projects going on. However, I am much more cheerful than I have been. Minus my damn throat.
These past couple months have given me a fantastic insight into my brain and how it works. Still working out some of its quirks, but were all complicated. Therefore I put forth a challenge. Find out how you work. My friend Patrick and I have been playing this game with each other for a couple years. Finding the right person to do it with is hard. You have to be completely open honest and truthful about everything. How you feel, the darkness that your soul has. The good that your soul has. What atrocities are you able to commit, and what good deeds are you able to perform?
Take that moment, where does your logic begin, when does your intuition begin, and when do they blend perfectly together? See you on the other side.
Symptoms I am noticing, everything tastes sweet again. Especially chocolate (sorry ladies). I had a pavlova for my birthday. Chocolate, Bananas, Strawberries with a meringue crust. My goodness it was delicious but it was so freaking rich. In general my sweet tooth is replaced by a need for carbs and cheese, however I sort of realized that thing where I don't want bland things anymore. I am craving flavors. New exciting flavors; spicy things, different kinds of tea, even water tastes better. Oddly enough my craving for soda is passing through in phases. No idea if its related, but hey I said I would write about everything so there ya go.
I can run and swim without having to catch my breath after words. Thats incredibly nice. Not being a wheezing mess after any sort of physical activity. Addiitonally I have been doing a lot more fencing and its easier than I remembered it. Rather the basics of stuck in my head, but the actual physical part of it is not a giant strain on my body anymore.
Let's go back to something that causes us all to fall into our vices. Stress. Six letter word, giant amount of pain. Today was arguably one of the most relaxing but stressful days of the year. The entire day has been an up and down roller coaster of good news, bad news, new aspirations and even more anxiety. At one point my body just gave up entirely and I lost control of my logical side of my brain. I guess you would call it an anxiety attack. You know, the whole breaking down into tears and the panic of not knowing what to do. Then your most basic instincts of fight of flight take over, but it takes a moment to figure out what to do. You freeze. Your brain stops, a feeling wells up inside you and rises up to your head. Hits your face, and thats the first thing to show emotion or try to hide it. Then something pushes you one way or another. For me it was a song, just a simple little tune. My body decided that panic was a good option. Break the statsis, purge yourself of these silly emotions, come back in five minutes when you want to think again. Not when you can think again, but when you want to think. Did my freak out, got my brain working in first gear, talked to myself for a bit. Confessed a few things to a few people, made a plan and proceeded forward. Notice, not once did I want that smoke. Small victory.
I told myself that smoking was going to be fine the second time around because it helped me think. Gave me something to dump my problems into. Completely mental, and a small bit of chemical, needed to start thinking again. The first time I quit, I got the not wanting a cigarette down part pretty good. I never got the "How do I give myself a way to calm down" method though. Nothing to help clarify my thinking that was easy, simple and socially acceptable as smoking. Not every person is going to like it if I take a post it note out of my pocket and make an origami swan when I am stressed. My room would be filled with them and my co-workers would think I am crazier than they already know me to be.
Finally I figured something else out. I don't need a creative outlet, I want it. Having the ability to choose when and how I want to be creative is incredibly liberating. For the longest time I have been striving to find a career in a creative field. Yet, I am so much happier in one where I am not. My job does not require me to tap into the depths of my creative brain and pull something out. That is a huge amount of stress when you need to dependent on it. Now, I want to write something? I just write it. I want to do theater? I seek it out. I want to search for a fun photo oppurtunity? I call Patrick. I have a costume idea? Well, I have far too many of those. New personal goal is to have some sort of personal project going on at all times. Currently, I admit, I have way too many projects going on. However, I am much more cheerful than I have been. Minus my damn throat.
These past couple months have given me a fantastic insight into my brain and how it works. Still working out some of its quirks, but were all complicated. Therefore I put forth a challenge. Find out how you work. My friend Patrick and I have been playing this game with each other for a couple years. Finding the right person to do it with is hard. You have to be completely open honest and truthful about everything. How you feel, the darkness that your soul has. The good that your soul has. What atrocities are you able to commit, and what good deeds are you able to perform?
Take that moment, where does your logic begin, when does your intuition begin, and when do they blend perfectly together? See you on the other side.