Do you ever get in that mindset of "well, I just ruined my plan, so I might as well continue like this the rest of the day, and start over tomorrow"? I can't tell you how many times I've "started over", only to mess up again, and again, and again. And I always attempt to justify it with a reason, such as the the start of a new week, a new month, or any other stupid thing I can think of. I think this has played a large part of keeping me stuck in some of these cycles; I know this all-or-nothing thinking pattern has created so many of my ups and downs. It's the same with routines; I either seem to be in an exercising phase, where it becomes my focus, or I'm not exercising at all. It's like if I can't do something perfect, I don't like to do it at all. But pause right here, hold this thought, I'll come back to it!
Very rarely has my weight and eating patterns shifted out of my focus; it usually takes something of significant importance to do so. And well, lately I think I've been in one of those significant events. That part in my bio (off to the side of the page) where I say that I'm soon-to-be-graduating and excited for the next phase of my life, yeah about that...
I know this blog is mostly supposed to be about a health goal, but I think this is relevant to the larger picture, so I think it’s worth mentioning. I always thought your last semester was supposed to be something to look forward to, kind of ease back, and await all of your future prospects as a graduate. But these past three months have been a living nightmare. At times I’m able to kinda push it aside and feel good about things, but at other times, I get so let down, so confused, angry, and lost. Basically to sum it up, I’m unemployed and in a difficult position to find work, falling into the no-degree category (or not yet), the over-educated category, and the under-experienced category. On top of that, my B.S. is in a degree that I have since changed my mind about, and I’ll most likely be returning to school after taking 1 year off, therefore, I'm not looking for a permanent career yet. I can’t even keep track of how many jobs I’ve applied for, and the mix of emotions that have gone with this. Lately, I find that it becomes a cycle…I get excited about a few jobs, then I learn I didn’t get them for whatever reason, and I feel incredibly let down, hopeless, and this usually triggers more unhealthy eating patterns. Then after a couple of days of feeling like crap, getting no sleep, etc., then I regain my focus and keep on going; I just don’t know how much longer I can keep up with this. I still don’t have a job, and I don’t know where the heck I’m supposed to be living in a couple of months. Long story short: STRESS, STRESS, and more STRESS!
Sigh, so, the other night after feeling really let down again, I started catastrophizing, feeling like I am never quite good enough for anything. I started thinking about to all the ways that I’ve failed, how I was never the best one, how I always seem to be close, but just not quite good enough.
So, back to my first point, I realized that again, I’m approaching this with my perfectionist mindset, very similar to the all-or-none thinking that I talk about. Well, I’ve realized although I may be far from perfect, that a size-4, BMI about 21, 3.56 GPA, that although I tend to look at those and feel like a failure, those are still damn good things that I should be proud of. I’m not going to allow these let-downs with my weight, these stupid jobs, or anyone, or anything else make me feel belittled because I am not good enough. And there’s no more of this “wait until tomorrow”, or the start of a new month talk. No, I am starting NOW! I am picking myself back up, and I will keep my focus; I won’t let these setbacks throw me off, or take control of my life. Honestly, it is difficult, stressful, overwhelming, and shitty, but like I said before, it is what it is, and I have to make the best of it.
Finishing up, I’ve also decided that I will no longer count my calories, or live my day according in a pre-set, calorie-determined manner. For the longest time, I thought that was helping me; that I would over-eat if I didn’t count calories. But I realize it sets me up to fail, because it’s another thing that won’t be perfect. It gives me an excuse to blow off my plan since I already messed it up, thus further digging myself into a hole. The scale and the mirror should be able to tell me if I’m eating too many, just enough, or too few calories. I’m not going to let my life be run by things that should hardly matter. Nothing will be perfect. So, here is to continuing to overcome my perfectionism, and to keeping my focus.