I’m now finishing the second week of my new job, and just getting used to my new schedule, and as always, trying to find a balance of everything. I’m slowly getting in the habit of things – finally made it back to the gym earlier this week (it had been about a month)! But I think I’m still adjusting with my sleep schedule, I’m not used to getting up between 5:30 and 6:30am! I’ve been experiencing some annoying insomnia, which has made me feel less motivated, and less energized; as a result I ended up skipping the gym the last couple of days. I surprised myself on Monday morning when I got up an hour earlier – 5:30am, and made it to the gym for a quick morning workout before work, one of the days I even made it to the gym twice (before and after work), both were lighter workouts. I’m hoping once I become a little more used to my earlier schedule, that I can fit in my exercise easier! Admittedly, my biggest motivator for exercising was weight loss, but over time, I have realized that when I fit in regular exercise, that I physically feel better – knowing that I’m making an effort, it usually gives me added energy, and I genuinely enjoy exercising. Once I get into more of a regular routine again, my next goal will be to fit in more yoga, another activity I truly enjoy doing.
My eating has been somewhat more balanced lately, definitely an improvement from a few weeks ago. But I was finding myself going back to calorie counting / planning, that seems to be one of the more difficult things for me to let go of. A couple of the days I stuck to my low calorie plan, but then I’d find myself unable to sleep at night, and feeling hungry. The last few days I went over on my plan, probably eating anywhere from about 1100 calories up to 2000 calories in a day, and sometimes that amount of calories will feel like a binge to me.
I think I’m starting to better prevent myself from letting these “binges” escalate into large binges. I did this tonight; I ate well during the day, about 530 calories during the day, then after work I ate another 1000 calories over just a couple of hours. I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes to stop myself from going way overboard, I pause and look in the mirror or get on the scale, and remind myself of how I want to lose another 13 pounds; I guess it’s sort of my way of holding myself accountable for my actions. Sometimes it still causes me stress to think about how and when I’ll be able to reach my goal, or maybe just to be satisfied / content with my weight. Right now, I’m sort of, kind of, maybe, OK with my weight, but definitely not content with it. It’s been worse, but it’s been better. I still have many days where I just “feel fat”. Sometimes it’s just confusing to try to accept things as they are, yet still work towards my goals without feeling guilty about my failures, and not obsessing over things. I know I have let certain things go, and have made improvements, but I think part of me fears letting go of all of it, because I fear that if I don’t continue to try to count my calories, or stop with planning meals, exercising routines, etc., that I will gain weight.
It’s weird to think that during these last 3 years of my disordered eating, that much of that time my weight has been around 112. There were times when I got back up to 120, and at my lowest was just hardly above 100. All of this stress and worrying over a fairly small range of weight; clearly, obsessing about it further, does not make losing the weight any easier, otherwise I’d be a heck of a lot skinnier than I am now! I know that I need to continue to just remind myself of these things, and to take it one day at a time!