Here's the numbers:
- 12/15 163.0
- 12/20 162.0
- 12/27 163.0
So, WHY am I here? WHY do I want to loose weight? I’ve been stuck here for 5 years; clearly something must be working for me or I would have jumped ship from this weight into a different lifestyle and clothing size.
I’m not morbidly obese. My current size doesn’t keep me from doing anything, because I don’t do anything anyhow. I’m content with my life. When I was a smaller, healthier size, I didn’t do much then either. I’ve never been a runner, so I wasn’t prepping for 5Ks or other run-related goals. I don’t have children, so I don’t feel the need to get healthy or get more stamina so I can run around with them and future grandchildren. I’m quite comfortable in my boring, stagnant life. I know, I know, it sounds weird, right? But seriously, we have different work schedules, so we don’t do anything on the weeknights after work because by the time I’ve gotten home from work, DH has eaten dinner, and is winding down for bed. And that is just fine! I like that we have built our beautiful sanctuary of a home together. It is a peaceful, lovely home that is OURS. Why hurry to leave it?
Now, the weekends, sure, we run around, doing chores and errands, I love spending that time with him. And during the summer, we’re on the motorcycle all weekend long, and we have a wonderful time – seeing the beautiful countryside, and just enjoying the fresh air and each other.
But nothing that I’ve listed here screams GET IN SHAPE!! LOOSE WEIGHT!! So what is my motivation for constantly engaging in this agonizing battle? My doctor has said, yea, you should probably lose some weight, but you’re not in danger. My mother has said, gee, you’re looking pretty big (she is NOT a motivator, fyi). My DH loves me for me, for who I am, whatever size I am. And he’s a little overweight too. We’ve kinda been this way together forever. We lost weight together about 6 years ago, and it was great. But we didn’t do anything lifestyle altering. We still worked different hours, we still didn’t do anything on weeknights, and we still did our running errands on the weekends. For me, we just did it in cuter clothes. I still have a big box of those clothes that I really like. But are cute clothes enough of a motivator to continue this fight? Well, I’ve had them for 6 years, so obviously they aren’t THAT much of a motivation.
So, I’m searching. Is there something I WANT to do? That because of my current weight and health status I can’t? Do I WANT to run a 5K? No. I have no interest in organized sports or competing. I don’t do competition – if I’m engaged in it, I walk away. I look thru the park district and local community college catalogs all the time, thinking that something will pop out at me saying I want to do THAT! So I signed up for a beginners tap class, but it doesn’t really excite me, and knowing me, I’ll only go because I already paid the money for it. But I don’t WANT to do it. It isn’t in my blood screaming – I MUST learn how to tap dance!
And then I look at our sweet 7 year old puppy, Trinket. When we adopted her, I thought, ok, HERE’S what is going to get me walking every day, and make me healthy and fit. Yea, not so much. Turns out, she was pretty happy becoming a couch potato. Just like us. If we say, ok let’s go for a walk, she gets crazy happy, and we go and it’s funny and she sniffs everything, and it is great. But it isn’t for more than about 20 minutes – 10 out and 10 back, because that’s all she or I can do. She’s little. But she’s hilarious. And she’s got a bit of hip dysplasia so we’re thinking, gee, maybe if she gets more walks in, it could help this problem.
So, I think I may have found my motivation. Trinket. She is the joy of our lives, she is so sweet, and although she is perfectly content to not be outside (especially when it is cold and snowy / rainy), the doc said as long as it is 40 degrees out or more, it is fine to take her for a walk.
So perhaps it sounds stupid, and shallow, but until I can figure out why I’m doing this to myself, I’m going to do it for Trinket. And perhaps after getting in enough shape to take her for more outings, it’ll pop into my brain and heart as to why I should do this for me. I really don’t know. Maybe I’m just supposed to be this size; maybe the charts are way off; maybe that BMI calculator doesn’t really mean anything; maybe cute clothes come in these larger sizes too; maybe this is who I am, and I should just stop fighting it. I was a thin girl when I was younger. Maybe that isn’t who I’m supposed to be as I get older. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is just my life now. I’m not sure.