3/1 247.2
Pounds lost in March: 17.4
Pounds lost in April: 4.8
Pounds lost in May: 8.6
Pounds lost in June: 6.6
Pounds lost in July: 4.4
Pounds lost in August: 5.8
Pounds lost in September: 5.6
Pounds lost in October: 6.0
Pounds lost in November: 4.4
Pounds lost in December: 5.7
Pounds lost in January: 5.5
2/2 172.4
2/9 172.8
2/16 170.4
So on Tuesday afternoon, I binged- ironically, on Fat Tuesday. It wasn't due to Mardi Gras festivities, or a slip-up, or a simple unwise decision- it was a full-fledged, out-of-nowhere, uncontrolled, look-and-make-sure-no-one-is-watching binge. Small bit of background- I work in the kitchen at a local day care. The binge started simply enough, as I found out last week that my boss keeps a jar of chocolate for her teachers fully stocked at all times on her desk. (How did I not find out about this sooner?!?!?) I'm going to break down my thought process here, cause maybe it'll sound familiar...
"Those chocolates in the jar on Karen's desk? They are super small. I could have one of those and it wouldn't even make a dent.
...
Or two. Yeah, why not two? That'll only be, what, like 100 calories, maybe 120? That's nothing.
...
Wow. Those were good. Reeeeeeally good. I can't go up and get more, though, Karen's sitting right there and that'd be embarrassing. Hmm. What's something healthy I could have that will get the chocolate-y taste out of my mouth so I'll stop craving more chocolate?
...
A banana! Yeah, that's it. I'll have a banana. Satisfying AND healthy.
...
You know what's even more satisfying than a banana? A banana with soy nut butter on it. And it's healthy, cause, you know, protein...
...
SOY NUT BUTTER IS PERFECT, DELICIOUS WONDER-FOOD. But I've already had two tablespoons, that's almost 200 calories on top of the banana and the chocolate, I really shouldn't have more... what's something I could have to take the soy nut butter taste out of my mouth?
...
Mini-marshmallows!!! They are so light and fluffy. I could even have a huge handful of them because they don't weigh, like, anything.
...
Why do I forget how much I love straight-up marshmallows? They are the bomb! I want more! MOOOOORE! Nope, nope, better go back to the soy nut butter, which at least has some nutritional value, I'll spread it on carrots this time, that's healthy, right?
...
Dang it, dang it, dang it. No paczki for me tonight. Might as well have some more of everything, so it'll at least be worth it and I won't feel sorry for myself after dinner."
And so on and so on. I probably blew through 600 calories in the space of 5 minutes. And I felt like crap the second I was done... Part of it was physical; I was eating so fast it's like my body didn't want my mind to catch up with what I was doing because it was having too much fun, and once I stopped the food felt really heavy in my stomach. But my heart felt much heavier. Cause I was really hoping I was beyond this kind of thing.
What finally stopped it? I texted my husband Chris "No paczki for me tonight, so please eat yours before I get home". So simple, but it nipped the binge in the bud, knowing I wasn't going to carry on with over-eating into dinner and dessert. That night, I told Chris how wonderful it is to share a home with him, because he keeps me accountable without even trying. I don't think he'd ever stop me from binging at home if I tried to, but I wouldn't, cause that's the kind of thing I do in private. I always have. I am ashamed of myself in those desperate moments. I also don't think he would've protested if I'd texted him back and said "You know, save me a paczki after all, what the heck, it's Fat Tuesday." But I wouldn't have done that. There's something about declaring your intentions to another person that does the trick for me. Along those lines, I confessed the binge to my boss and a couple of my co-workers, in a jokey sort of way, but in a way that will make them raise their eyebrows if they see me reach into Karen's jar of chocolates again.
That night I felt completely defeated. The thought went through my head, "Why bother? Why bother staying thin and holding on to what I have if it's going to be a fight every single day, and if I am seconds away from losing that fight at any given point in time?" I was really worried about the next day... returning to the scene of the crime, with all of the same food available to me. But I made it through, determined to have a flawless day to make up for Tuesday and in anticipation of Valentines Day on Thursday, which I thought was going to be a struggle.
But you know what? It wasn't. Early in the day, Chris told me where he was taking me for dinner: Texas de Brazil. An all you can eat meat marathon that also has the most amazing salad bar with delicious cheeses. That place? Is pretty much the definition of Worth It. Worth saving ALL of the day's calories for. So it was easy to bypass the tornado of goodies left over from the kids' Valentines Day parties.