Let me start by saying that I've been totally consistent in my food and exercise efforts. After today's jog, I'll have done 21 miles in 21 days. After a disappointing weigh-in last Friday (more about that later), I was so low that I let a few days go by without jogging- but then I completed a 3.25 mile jog, which is longer than I've ever gone without stopping, to make up for it. I gave myself permission to go slow but I kept on going, and I'm proud of myself for that. I've been tracking my food, drinking my water, doing everything by the books. And over the last two weeks, I've gained about four pounds.
Here's what made this particularly rough last week- I was due for my period a few days before my weigh in, but it didn't come. So by the time Friday morning rolled around, I was four days late. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test yet because I knew there was no way I was pregnant this month. Due to the timing of my fertility cycle and Chris's surgery, it wasn't physically possible for us to have conceived in May.
So HERE'S where my brain started playing tricks on me. I started thinking.... what if I really AM pregnant, but we actually conceived in April? What if my "period" last month was some sort of implantation bleeding? That would explain why I've been gaining weight for no reason since mid-April. That would explain why it hasn't come yet this month. And silly me, I ran to the internet and hit up Dr. Google, and of course came up with a million anecdotal cases of how you can TOTALLY get your period during pregnancy, and although I knew in the bottom of my heart I wasn't really pregnant, I let myself believe it for a few days. That's why I didn't post last weekend. I wanted there to be an explanation for why I had gained two pounds. And wouldn't that be the most fun explanation of all?
I'm mostly in a good place with our infertility, really. We continue to try and most months when the answer is no, it isn't heartbreaking and awful. But I did not do well with it when my period finally came, because not only is there no baby, but there's all this weight I've gained- going by my home scale, over ten pounds- despite my best efforts to stick to the program.
I'm still not in a good place, and according to my home scale, I gained two more pounds this week. I'm too scared to go in and face the music on an official Weight Watchers scale. So I really don't know what to do.
That's all I've got right now- I'm sorry it's so late and I'm sorry there's not much good to report. But there it is.